I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
