I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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