Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
