the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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