yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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