The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
