you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
