I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
