I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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