im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
