Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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