I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
