I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
