Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
