matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
