i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
