Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
