Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
