I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
