Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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