he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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