Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
