When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
