She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
