The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
