Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
