i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
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Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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