My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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