you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
