i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
