she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
