Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
