with your own penis?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
