fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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