Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
