"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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