her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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