She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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