Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
