You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
