We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
