WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All the doctor said was why
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
