Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
