Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
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I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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