the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
