I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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