I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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