why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
