You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
