I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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