I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
