how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
