i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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