Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
