i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
