What tipped you off? The sombrero?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
