wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
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