There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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