My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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