if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
