Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You're a waste of cheezeits
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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