My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
