He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Do you still have your period?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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